Monday 8 April 2013

The Idiotic Return of Clock Cleaner

It's me. I know what you’re thinking. Where has Clock Cleaner been? I miss his witty remarks, excellent analysis and second-to-everyone creativity both on and off the pitch. Well, worry no longer. I’m back, for one post anyway. So what made me return to the blogosphere? I’ve noticed an abundance…nay, a plethora of people with long hair in the tournament. Where did this phenomenon originate? I don’t know, but let’s take a look at the Men’s WCP Cup Top 10 Ponytails.

Now there are criteria. A ponytail is a specific hairstyle, and must not be confused with headband wearers or other mop head varieties. Cabylis brothers? Nope, you’re out. Camille? No dice. Paco? Could happen, but hasn’t. Marchinko? Not a chance, bucko. Me? No way. Jarvis? Nada. We’re dealing with straight-up ponytails. Hair near the back, with some sort of elastic band around it. No messing around.

10. Michael on Laos You may or may not have noticed Michael’s pony tail. It looks something like Old Faithful at Yellowstone National Park, but on a far smaller scale. 1/2000th I’d say. While many players have long enough hair to do this same thing, none do. I don’t even think his hair is even long at all. Nevertheless, he put it into ponytail. Good for you, Mike. At least you’re trying.

9. Spencer Martinson on Germany I don’t know Spencer. But he has a ponytail, and it is pretty good. Good enough for 9th.

8. Jordan Lupastin on Poland Jordan has the flow, but it just doesn’t have the same bounce as the rest of the guys on this list. If he used some volume-inducing shampoo, perhaps he could move higher. Maybe some conditioner.

7. Matthew Schmeichel on Poland -  “Chewy,” as he is referred to, has a legitimate claim to the throne here. Let’s look at the criteria: 1. Ponytail. Check and mate!

 He can sometimes be confused for Randi, but that’s part of what makes a ponytail so effective for Chewy on the Regina bar scene. “Hey there, hot buns, let me just grind up on yoOHGOD.” Nice.

6. Jordian Farahani on LaosChico” as he is referred to…wait. Let’s hold up and switch topics for a second. Where do these nicknames come from? Who’s giving people nicknames? How does somebody even start calling a person Chewy? I looked up Chico, and it means “small, boy or child.” Are we insulting Jordian? Has anybody even bothered to ask these guys? Maybe they hate it...or maybe I’m just bitter that I don’t have a cool nickname. Is it based on your playing style? “Hey, there goes Shitty, running down the side.” Oh well. Anyway, Jordian has a ponytail.

5. Nathan Reis on Ireland Nathan is too muscly for a ponytail, and he looks too much like Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai. And his upper body is so powerful, and his legs so strong…wait, what are we talking about? Why are my pants undone?

4. Ryan McGavigan on Ireland Ryan also has a ponytail. I’m running out of steam. Now I remember why I stopped doing this.

3. Zach Nenson on Ireland More like, Republic of Ponytail, am I right? Yep, that’s about all I’ve got left.

2. Gordie Peever on France – In an opinion completely non-biased teamwise whatsoever, Gordie’s ponytail flows majestically like the Seine through Paris, his glorious locks trailing behind him like a comet’s tail streaking through space. He’s been called the “Hair of a Generation” and was the inspiration for Samson in the Bible. Little known fact about Gordie: He loves to give backrubs. Ladies?

1. Guy on Serbia with ponytail – What? I have to put 10 people on this list? Miscounted at the start. Whatever, who cares. Good work, Serbian guy with ponytail. You’re an inspiration to us all.

Clock Cleaner

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Maybe the worst post on this blog this year!! I can't believe they publish this garbage!

Next poll should be who is the bigger dud: Riley Miloche vs Mat Leung

I'd vote for Mat as at least Riley is somewhat better at soccer and people know he has openly admitted to being Clock Cleaner.

Peter

Anonymous said...

What happened to the dude that looked like kid rock on Austria? That was a top notch pony!


Riggs

Anonymous said...

Predictions:

Ireland vs Jamaica
Will be a close contest and I think it will come down to a last minute goal. Collins can only hurt teams with free kicks so Ireland has to limit the fouls it gives up. David is still dangerous and Stephen Patterson may have to shut him down. Ireland needs to rely on Alvaro dictating the tempo and distribution while Dwanye has to win the ball over and over. I can see Sean Riggs really costing Ireland the game. He is too slow, lazy and really shouldn't be out on the field anymore. Not to be rude Sean but right now you are not at the level to make a difference.

3-2 Jamaica

Sudan vs Poland
Poland will defend all game and get an early goal. Sudan will attack and have a lot of near misses and will tie it in the final minutes to go into extra time. Sudan wins off a dead ball goal in extra time, Poland loses its emotions once more. Watch out for Michal and Aleks to lose their tempers after the loss.

2-1 Sudan

France vs Nigeria:
This game won't be much of a contest. France will be too much for Nigeria. This has the potential to start close for the first ten minutes and then really get away on Nigeria. I see France winning by 3 or 4 goals.

6-2 France

Serbia vs Afghan:
Are Serbia good or did they just get lucky? They beat Ireland, lost to Scotland and blew out Colomiba. It is tough to make out how good or bad Serbia is. Afghan's defense is their weak point, and Darko is a dangerous striker. Darko and Josip will both score big goals but I think the game will come down to a corner goal in the second half and then a late insurance goal for Serbia.

4-2 Serbia

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Sudan will lose because Noor will let in some weak goals. Noor will be Sudan downfall. They won't beat Poland. It won't be close.

Did anyone see Flavio Bravo play the other day. Why would Greece put this guy in goal? The goals he let in were absolutely gross. He sucks. Time to give it up Flavio. I've never seen such bad keeping before.

Anonymous said...

Scores from Saturday please!

Anonymous said...

Wow people are really underestimating the importance of flow. Great flow harnessed into a tight pony clearly boosts team moral and personal ability. I mean Ibrahimovic is a perfect example. It`s science people.

Anonymous said...

Some people are way too angry and serious. Riley is clearly posting something with zero seriousness. It's a nice little change of pace.

Besides Mike/David are either too lazy/busy to post something at the moment or are in the middle of cooking something up.

Lighten up people, stress does kill!!

Anonymous said...

Gotta love anon trolls

Anonymous said...

This post blows big goat chunks.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Matt Leung only has one thing going for him ... his good looks.

Riley Meloche. Now that's one ugly mofo.

Anonymous said...

Mooney I am waiting for you at the photo booth. Get down here now!!!!!!!!!! I have Karlen here to give you a few good spanks for being a bad boy.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

Anonymous said...

Laos never made it to the quarterfinals because Matt Leung wasn't playing. It's really that simple. Quality players like Leung make a difference. WOOOOOORRRRRDDDDD.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

Anonymous said...

Blackberry ANON person, are you feeling ok?

Anonymous said...

That blackberry anon guy/GOW/Flavio/Enraged Parent/Random anonymous poster can't seem to hold his liquor as he seems to go on random insulting spurts.

Must be a guy like Ian McLaren again getting a little out of control.

Anonymous said...

Alvaro Campos is the best player in this entire wcp cup tournament. No one can compete with him. He is just that good. Someone should sign him to a pro contract.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

Anonymous said...

Anon 21:25 .... whoooooooo hooooooooo meet me by the hockey arena bar. i am here now. i move around. i am having a few with Husdal.


Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

LeeMooney10 said...

Go home blackberry wireless handheld, you're drunk.

Anonymous said...

I want to fight LEE MOONEY/ALVI CAMPOS right friggin now. I am a one punch knockout MASSSTEEERRR. You can call me ... Mr. Miyagi.

BRING IT MOONEY/ALVI. You fat/slow/slobs have no chance. WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

Anonymous said...

I heard that Chico's backyard is the mecca for fights. Let me get Chico to set something up and I'll gladly take you up on that offer any day of the week.I'll drive to Regina right now and meet you there.
We can even place some bets, and seeing as I am slow and fat, I should be at about 20/1 odds. Sound fair?

HAHA you run your mouth a lot, but really if it came down to it you'd run away like chicken little as it'd be the end of the world for you. I'm right here bud, so why is it you still haven't posted your name? Oh yea it's cause you are scared.

If you stood face to face with me and we were about to scrap. I think the fear would take over and you would run away as I am sooo slow that is the only way you'd escape me... other than that I'd prolly sit on you!

-Julio "The Modern Day Rocky"

Anonymous said...

Collins, rumors are going around that you plan on losing the game on Wed? The only reason I am even posting this, is because I actually believe their could be some truth to it. You seem like the type of guy who will do anything for your buddies on ROI just to prove a point. Pretty sad Collins. People talk, especially in Regina. Truly disappointing.